The London Mistress Guide to Finding a Dominatrix
Written by Miss Jessica Wood with contributions from London Domme’s Miss Kim Rub, Goddess Penelope, Goddess Seira, and Miss Courtney.
From left to right: Miss Kim Rub, Lady Phoenix, Miss Courtney
Approaching a Dominatrix for the first time can feel intimidating. But fear not, the best Mistresses in London are here to provide you with insider knowledge on how to find a Pro Domme, the do’s and don'ts of contact, and how to make yourself the perfect submissive candidate.
Are you brand new to kink and have a fetish fixation you want to explore? Maybe you’ve spent the past few years dabbling in the BDSM lifestyle and want to go deeper with your perversions? As a Professional Dominatrix in London, I see a lot of first-timers. In fact, I love seeing them. Whilst each and every newbie arriving at my door is a unique and beautiful individual, they all have one thing in common; the adrenaline and excitement turn them into complete nervous wrecks.
“Pro Dommes have to deal with time wasters every day, so we’ve built excellent bulls**t detectors. ”
To save you unnecessary humiliation, I’ve teamed up with Miss Kim Rub, Goddess Penelope, Goddess Seira, and Miss Courtney to help you find a Dominatrix; from asking yourself the hard questions about who you are and what you want, how to research the Domme that’s right for you, and the dos and absolutely do-nots of making contact. You will also learn where you can find the best dungeons for hire in London.
Most importantly, we’re going to endow you with superlative insights that, if followed, will put you on the path to being the kind of client a Professional Mistress will want to see over and over again.
Step 1: Things To Know Upfront
1. It’s OK To Be Nervous
We’re accustomed to working with newcomers. Even experienced kinksters will still get session nerves, and everyone into kink had to start somewhere – including us. So remember, it’s absolutely ok. Just remember two things: firstly, don’t let excitement and anxiety get the better of you before you contact a Dominatrix Mistress. There are protocols to follow so stop, pause, and take a breath. Don’t go blazing in with no grace or style.
2. A Full-service Domme Is An Exception, Not The Rule
The vast majority of Dommes focus exclusively on BDSM; control, power, and sensation. Those that do provide intimate services are often ‘Fetish Escorts’ who offer light kink, so it’s advantageous to know who you’re dealing with before making contact, as it’s easy to offend Dommes by asking for sexual services. Your default should be to assume that full-service is off-limits.
If your kink includes a greater degree of intimacy by all means ask, but be extremely polite and courteous when doing so. For instance, you could say, ‘I know this is unlikely and forgive me if you do not, but I wanted to know if you offer [this] in a session. It's not a deal-breaker if you don’t but I just want to understand your limits.
3. A Dominatrixes Online Presence Is Not (Quite) Reality
When you visit a Domme’s website or check out Her social media feed, what you’re seeing is an alter-ego; a persona created as a reflection of Her true self exaggerated for effect and impact. Whilst it can make us seem intimidating and unapproachable, this is not the case. We’re people like you. We laugh, we joke, we cry, and we love kink. Be mindful that our carefully edited video loops and attentively-worded profiles can heighten pre-session nerves.
4. Your First Time May Not Be Magical
Remember losing your virginity? Was it the wonderful experience of your dreams? Chances are, it wasn’t. It takes time to find awesomeness in intimate interactions. This is the same with visiting a Dominatrix for the first time.
This may not be the case, of course. As professionals, we know how to make clients feel at ease, and are experts at extracting your desires. But it’s important to recognise that for many reasons, such as miscommunication, nerves, heightened expectations, or choosing the wrong Domme, your first session may be an anticlimax. Like with any budding relationship, it’s likely that you weren’t a match. Keep experimenting before giving up on professional kink. Eventually, you’ll find the right one.
Step 2: Finding Yourself
Who are you? What do you enjoy? Some men spend a lot of time thinking and fantasising about this, able to be very specific in their requests. Others are somewhat undecided, with only a cursory idea of their kinklinations, only learning after a period of experimenting. It’s ok to tell a Domme if you’re not sure what you’re into. However, you should try to come prepared with some idea of yourself and your fetish preferences.
1. Submissive, Slave, Or Masochist
Is there a difference? You bet your life there is, and you need to work out which type of player you are, as it’s crucial in deciding which Domme is going to be right for you.
In my experience, submissive men tend to be just that; submissive. They want to surrender control to a dominant woman. They love to be taken charge of and have aspects of their arousal controlled. Slaves are a special kind of submissive. If you have a strong desire to be owned by a dominatrix and be trained by her. It is most likely that you’re this deeper kind of submissive man. fetish specialty (slave training). Masochists, on the other hand, obtain their sexual gratification from being physically or emotionally abused, humiliated, or mistreated. If you dislike receiving pain, you are definitely not a masochist.
But ultimately, you’re likely to be a little of all of these, and that’s ok. What’s important is to understand what you like – it’s going to help you communicate who you are to a dominatrix.
2. Determine Your Level Of Play
“When it comes to determining your level of play, leave your masculinity at the door,” says Goddess Seira. “It will do no good saying to yourself ‘I’ll take it like a man’ as you will make a fool of yourself trying to impress a Domme like this. You will only be wasting your session time, and an experienced Domme is going to see right through this bravado anyway, so why bother?”
Overstating your limits is a sign that you’re not being honest with yourself about what you enjoy. Identify the level of pain you actually enjoy and be open with your chosen Domme about it. "Determine what your pain tolerance is for different fetishes; you may be able to take a swift kick to the balls like a Terminator but scream like a sissy bitch with the cane. As you’re new to the game, you’re unlikely to have really tried something enough to know for sure, so it’s best to start light then go from there".
3. What Kind Of Dominant Woman Do You Like?
Chemistry is the foundation of trust; the building block on which mutual connection, understanding, and respect are built. Without it, one can forget about achieving the heights of ecstasy within a session, much less the coveted state of subspace.
It’s time to decide the qualities you like in a Domme, the traits which are going to be important in fulfilling your fetish fantasies. Consider intelligence, personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Are you looking for a friendly, compassionate Mistress with a flexible playstyle or a cold, aloof disciplinarian with an imperial approach?
Next, decide what sort of BDSM relationship you want. A Dominatrix is going to be impressed with a man who is honest with them, as we often waste so much time on those who pretend to want a long-term relationship, but really prefer the promiscuous approach of trying the unique styles of many Dommes. Again, be honest with yourself and with the Domme. It will make your time with Her much more enjoyable.
4. What’s Your Fetish?
Before scouring the web to get titillated by all those stunning Mistress photos, turn your gaze inwards. Think about the desires and fantasies you want to make a reality. Every Domme has different skills, preferences, and experiences, so it’s best to decide what fetishes and kinks you’re into, then match them to the appropriate Domina.
Do you derive sensual pleasure from the feeling of helplessness and immobility offered through bondage? There’s plenty of additional kinks that can be performed while being restrained. If you're a masochist, spanking, flogging, and face-slapping are very complimentary. But maybe a little degradation and humiliation are what titillates you, with spitting and verbal abuse your poison of choice.
Perhaps you fantasise about particular items of clothing such as high heels, boots, leather, PVC, latex, gloves, or stockings? The body shape of the Domme wearing this clothing may matter a great deal in your fantasy. But maybe you’re the one who likes to dress up. Sissification is a very trendy fetish. Or perhaps your interest is in a specific body part? Ass worship, foot worship, and facesitting are very popular body fetishes Mistresses in London perform regularly.
Or maybe you’re fascinated with water sports and hard sports. Toilet play is a very niche fetish, so it’s best to find a specialist. There are two London-based Mistresses who are queens of this, Mistress Evilyne and Ingrid Frost. Both are hardcore and well-respected. In general, proceed carefully and respectfully when asking for toilet play – many Mistresses do not offer this and will take offense to being asked.
Pro Tip:
Be open and honest when you speak with a Dominatrix. They are some of the most understanding and open-minded people you will ever meet. It can be challenging to open up to a stranger but trust me, you’ll develop a much deeper bond with Her, and get a lot more out of your sessions.
Step 3: Finding A Dominatrix
It’s never been easier to find a London Domme. Your predecessors had no access to Google, Mistress Listings, or Social Media, so consider yourself lucky. The trick, however, is in finding the right Dominatrix for you. There’s so much choice that decision paralysis can quickly set in, leading to endless scrolling. But through diligence in self-understanding and performing proper research, your shortlist should contain Dommes which are a close match for your needs.
1. Mistress Listings & Directories
These are often the first places online for newbies looking for Pro Dommes. Directories such as Professional Mistresses and Pandemos are a way to quickly access many Dominatrix profiles and quickly compare. Most Dommes advertise on these websites.
If you’re looking for the best London Dommes, check out London Professional Mistresses listings here and here. Being a Mistress myself, I spend a lot of time researching and learning about the most professional BDSM practitioners in London. Dommes appearing on this site are vetted, so you know you’re seeing the best and most trustworthy Mistresses in London.
2. Social Media
There is no escaping social media. It’s omnipresent. Whilst a few big players dominate the scene, Dommes tend to congregate on just one: Twitter. It’s the only major social media platform that’s friendly to the adult industry, at the time of writing.
Goddess Penelope explains how to use Twitter as part of your research. “Today, any serious Pro Domme is going to have a Twitter account. You’ll be able to see the number of followers, Her latest tweets, pictures, and videos, all of which provide cues to validate Her credentials as a Pro. Does She appear in photos with other Mistresses at conferences, strap-on parties, or BDSM events like Club Pedestal? Engaging consistently over a long period indicates She’s active within the BDSM community and can be trusted. The number of followers also provides evidence for how established She is – it takes a phenomenal amount of time and effort to build a following, believe me”.
The feed will also provide details about Her persona and style. She continues “scan Her feed and look at the text, images, videos, and links to profiles on AVN, OnlyFans, or Clips4Sale. All this content provides you with an indication of what kind of Pro Domme She is, Her style, and whether She’s the right fit for you”.
3. The Domme’s Website
General rule: if a Dominatrix has a website She’s likely to be serious. The website is the beating heart of a Domme’s online presence, containing detailed descriptions of Her persona, session preferences, professional photography (in some cases, candid day-to-day photography), and the protocol for making inquiries.
Miss Kim Rub, one of London’s most experienced Dominas and an expert on marketing, provides guidance. “Her website contains plenty of indicators for you. Read for clues of BDSM expertise in her writing. Does She rely on a stereotypical attitude and predictable arrogant tone in an attempt to sound dominant, or does she demonstrate a true understanding of the realities of orchestrating BDSM scenes? The quality of Her photography is also going to indicate how dedicated She is to marketing Herself. The best Pro Domme’s all take great pride in how they portray themselves”.
The website is also a key place for you to see if She is a match for you. “What level of play does She list in Her session preferences? If She concentrates on light interests that do not require much skill, such as foot fetish or sensual domination, do not expect Her to have the experience or equipment necessary for an intense encounter.”
Miss Kim Rub returns to writing, adding “read the mistresses biography thoroughly. More than the photos, more than the site design, this is going to tell you who She is and what She’s about. When on a dating app, we may use photos as an initial filter, but the proof is in the shared interests, as this is what makes a match. It’s the same for a professional BDSM relationship. Don’t skip it”.
4. Search Engines
Google Search. It may look simple, but it’s one of the most sophisticated pieces of software on the planet. Google expends a lot of resources in ensuring only the most relevant and trustworthy results are displayed to each and every person using it. So when you use it to search for terms such as Mistress or Dominatrix, the results that come out on top are highly likely to be established and trustworthy Dommes.
You can also use Google to perform a kind of background check on a Mistress, by using a simple tool in Google’s Image Search to track and verify images. By pasting a Mistresses website link into a field, it will return results to show where Her images appear over the web. This will tell you if those images have been copied from another website – a key sign for a fake account.
Note: Take Special Care If You’re Looking For Findom
As Coolio coolly stated “Power in the money, money in the power”. In the day-to-day maneuverings of capitalism, money and power are synonymous, as are power and sex. For men who get a kick out of spending – power, money, and sex are all bound together.
This can put certain submissive men into a unique position. Finsubs are chasing a thrill, putting their money into a sexual slot machine that’s akin to the psychological kick from gambling – and the risk of being exploited by unscrupulous Findoms who know nothing about the psychosexual intricacies of financial domination, but a lot on how to grab much cash as they can at the expense of vulnerable men.
Beware the super hot, young Domme with stock insults who wants to blackmail you. There are lots of young women who couldn’t care less about their target, and instead look to extract as much cash as possible, regardless of what the sub can afford. Arm yourself by understanding the difference between ‘abuse’ and ‘dominance’. A truly professional Financial Dominatrix will skillfully dominate you without destroying you in the process.
Step 4: Booking A Dominatrix
Now’s the time to make contact. First impressions matter – a lot. Dommes know how to weed out time-wasters and masturbators and quickly identify the intelligent, subservient amongst the horde. Now following are the tips, tricks, and no-nos of the booking process.
1. Stop, Look, Think.
Tempted to make a quick phone call, send a short introductory email, or ping a flirty text message. Don’t. This is not some kind of booty call you’re making. You’ll be contacting a strong woman who doesn’t take any s**t. Now’s the time to compose oneself.
So, before sounding like a complete prick, nervous wreck, or horny teenager, Stop. Have you made a mental list of the things you want to ask Her, like availability, location, rates, and services? Have you checked Her website to make sure she did not already answer your questions in her FAQs or etiquette section? Don’t make the faux pas of asking questions She’s already answered, you’ll be labeled a timewaster.
2. Make The Right Impression
Remember, Mistresses have strict protocols for how clients should make first contact. However, there are some general guidelines that if followed, should give you a good chance of successfully navigating the screening process.
Mistress Courtney explains: “As subs are, in essence, applying to be in our service it’s no bad thing to approach first contact in the same manner as a job application. The best Dommes receive hundreds of applicants a month, so there’s stiff competition. Make sure you familiarise yourself with the options your chosen Domme uses in regards to Her preferred contact method. I personally do not accept phone calls, but others do”.
Now, this is where step 2 and 3 in this guide pays back spanks, with interest. She continues “Be polite, courteous, and submissive. Provide information on your experiences, level of play, limits, and most importantly your fetishes. Highlight any health conditions which could affect the session and be sure to let Her know beforehand. Understand the questions She asks you properly and respond thoughtfully”.
“If you’ve sent an email or message and don’t hear back in a few days, remember She is busy. Personally, I believe a follow-up email after a week to be acceptable, as emails sometimes go into a spam folder. If you get this right, expect to receive an email back asking further questions. If you continue to engage in a respectful and honest manner, things will proceed to hopefully a wonderful experience that will leave you with wonderful memories”.
3. How Not To Contact A Dominatrix
Mistresses are inundated with one-line wonders and slave requests from guys who clearly aren’t serious about meeting. To avoid your overture swiftly being deleted, steer well clear of the following:
Terms of endearment: Hon. Babe. Boo. Darling. These terms are the worst way to open a conversation with a powerful, self-respecting Domme as they make you look completely ignorant of BDSM protocol.
‘Hello, Mistress’: You’ve just started with the BDSM equivalent of ‘Hey babe’. Until she is actually your Mistress, show respect by referring to her by her full Dominatrix name.
Dick photo: If you’ve not learned this one, you shouldn’t even be dating. A photo of your penis says ‘I’m a dick’. We do not want to see your manhood before you’re in our service. Keep your shlock buttoned up.
Social Media DM: Tread carefully. There’s a temptation to send short messages and use acronyms. If you do choose to DM, make sure you have read Her website – and follow protocol to the letter.
“Did you receive my email?”: It screams neediness. Demonstrate that you have control over your emotions. After all, you’re likely to be put into all kinds of situations that require the same self-regulation that prevents you from sending this kind of message. Give Her some time to respond. If you don’t get a response after a week or 2, make your follow-up polite and creative to get Her attention.
Step 5: Visiting Your Chosen Dominatrix
Finally, playtime has arrived. You’ve made it this far so don’t mess it up by making amateur mistakes. Your Domme would have sent you instructions to follow and rules to comply with. Following protocol makes Mistresses very happy, and happy Mistresses give better spanks. Consider following protocol as part of the play; a ritual to make the session the best it can be.
1. Intox not intoxication
Seen Dommes post about intox on social media? This is a part of sensation play that’s performed during the session to heighten the experience, not getting plastered to calm your nerves or shoving stuff up your nose to fire you up. Nerves are fine and should be embraced, but how you calm yourself matters a great deal. Never use drugs or alcohol before the session. Most reputable Mistresses have strict rules against playing with clients who turn up out of their heads.
2. Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners
Be clean. Squeaky clean. Would you dream of showing up to a first date without washing, or a job interview without brushing your teeth? You’d wave goodbye to those opportunities very quickly. The same is true for your booking with a Dominatrix. Shower, brush your teeth and use mouthwash. If you’re looking to have anything go up your ass – plug, 12” strap on, fist, or interesting-shaped vegetable, give yourself an enema. Research how to do this properly, as doing it wrong can make an even bigger mess. Your aim is to make your butthole sparkle, not induce inappropriate bowel movements.
3. Be Discreet and Punctual
Discretion goes both ways. Many Dommes have play spaces in private residences and prefer to keep their activities below the radar. Don’t loiter. Stay in your car, go to a nearby park, or coffee shop until immediately prior to your session. Make sure you dress discreetly, remove the puppy mask. When it’s time, proceed straight to Her door. Act normally and make no submissive gestures until you’re in the privacy of her chambers. It should go without saying that any form of play outside Her space is a big no-no. And whatever you do, be on time. Not early, not late.
4. Go the Extra Mile
More than just good manners are needed to make the best impression. Show your appreciation by showing up with an unexpected surprise, be it a cash tip or a physical gift. It takes a lot of time, money, and personal sacrifice to be a Dominatrix, and nothing makes us swoon more than clients who demonstrate they appreciate our kinky efforts. If you choose to buy a gift, don’t fly blind. Read Her website, most Dommes have a published wish list.
You can still surprise your Mistress with a token of your appreciation even if you’re short on disposable income. Food for our pets, art made just for us, and handwritten letters expressing how excited you are to play are all memorable and greatly appreciated.
You can read this article for more details on how to be the perfect client to your chosen Domme.
Find a London Dominatrix Mistress
And that’s it. This guide should provide you with all the knowledge required for successfully finding and booking your first Dominatrix. If you adhere to the advice of the Professional London Mistresses in this article, you will successfully realise your fantasies in a session with your dream Goddess.
Good luck.
For those looking to get in contact with a Professional Mistress, those mentioned in this article are a good starting point, or head over to the homepage or search page to find one of the best Mistresses in London to session with.
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Written by:
Miss Jessica Wood
Founder of London Professional Mistresses and an Elite UK mistress.