Exploiting The Penis: Femdom in a Female-led Relationship
Written by Miss Jessica Wood
Women who take control and men who play subordinate roles. For the longest time, it’s not been acceptable for women to ‘wear the pants’ in a relationship. But times are changing. Femdom subculture is helping to redefine the gender hierarchy, allowing couples to decide who is more suitable to take on the lead role. For those in Female-Led Relationships, there’s no better source than London Mistresses to learn how BDSM and kink can be used in a Female-Led Relationship.
Femdom is an ever-growing bandwidth on the spectrum of human sexuality. Followers of this subculture include not only the usual suspects of Pornstars, Dominatrixes and Mistresses but also Bossy Ladies, Femme Fatales and Bratty Teens. It encompasses feminists who practice it as part of an FLR that’s lived partly or wholly in public. These dominant women lead normal lives with their male partners yet simultaneously enjoy ‘milking’, ‘pegging’, ‘cuckolding’, and ‘sissifying’ them behind closed doors (or in the more public arena of private sex parties).
The men are also drawn from a bewildering number of backgrounds: businessmen and CEOs who do not want the same burden of authority in their domestic lives, men who prefer domestic life and a strong figure take care of them, and feminist men who adopt this progressive identity and apply it to every aspect of their lives.
Helped by thousands of dedicated websites, pop culture stories about the life and work of dominatrixes in mainstream media, and a more sex-positive society that accepts a wider bandwidth of human desire, Femdom is more acceptable than ever. Hell, a survey found that 36% of adults in the United States use masks, blindfolds, and bondage tools during sex. Clearly, it’s no longer taboo in the way it once was.
“Femdom... is about the kink. After all, it contains the word ‘dom’ – clearly implying all that nasty domination those of us into BDSM love so much. ”
So when it comes to a Female-Led relationship, what Femdon techniques are best to apply? Do you know the hidden benefits of pegging as part of feminising your submissive man, or the bonding capabilities of a good facesitting technique? If Pornhub has been your teacher, you’ll likely need a little re-education. Before jumping in with both feet it’s worth separating the kink from the relationship.
The Difference Between FLR and Femdom
Definitions. They’re tricky, slippery, and often subjective, the neat little boxes we all try to put things in life – as is the case with FLR and Femdom. The terms represent concepts that have a lot of crossovers, are used interchangeably, and in all likelihood mean different things to different people.
Both can be used to describe a relationship in which a woman is the dominant partner who takes charge in the bedroom, in the relationship or both. To further muddy the waters, a dominant woman can be called a Femdom, yet the BDSM act itself can also be referred to as Femdom. So far, so confusing.
Let’s start with Female-Led Relationships. In BDSM culture, FLR usually refers to an erotic power dynamic whereby dominance transfers from the man to the woman in personal and domestic settings. However, the relationship doesn’t have to be kinky to fall into this category. Couples are now entering into FLRs in a more general sense, with the woman taking charge of earnings, decision-making authority, their sexual dynamic, or the entire relationship – but without the BDSM aspect.
So, FLR is all about a woman assuming a dominant position and the man bowing down respectfully to Her superiority as a show of devotion and deference. For both, it’s about mutual respect and consent. No two Female-Led Relationships are alike.
Pegging can bring out extra submissive behaviour in a man whilst growing the dominant tendencies and sexual power of the woman – there isn’t a more visceral act that represents the reversal of roles
Femdom, on the other hand, is about the kink. After all, it contains the word ‘dom’ clearly implying all that nasty domination those of us into BDSM love so much. Short for Female Dominance, it’s the sexual aspect, about making the man bow to the dominance of the woman using BDSM techniques. It’s about fetishes, obsessions, and desires.
Sexually, Femdom practices are exceptional to the pleasure principle. It’s a desire to experience a raw and carnal jouissance, or sexual pleasure, in physically or mentally painful ways. Pro-Dommes regularly experiment with this by ‘hurting’ their subs bodies and minds, taking on the role of a sadist as a path to delivering ecstasy.
So Femdom is often practiced in conjunction with some of the most common BDSM practices, like impact play, bondage, humiliation, findom, or any other scenario that emphasizes the Domme’s power over the man.
The Femdom subculture has given birth to many new fetishes which can be used to enhance the sex life of couples living an FLR Lifestyle, and sometimes in very unexpected ways.
Below are some fetishes which are perfect companions to FLR, with explanations from London Mistresses and Dominatrixes on how to make the most of them.
Receiving a collar is a special occasion for many submissives and slaves. For some, it means a celebration of your relationship and the commitment that is about to happen.
The Power Exchange Ritual
Femdom and Female Led Relationships are a redefinition of the sexual hierarchy, the shifting of the power dynamic in a relationship from the male to the female. The extent to which the power shifts and how often, is completely dependent on the preferences of the couple. Some use power exchange as sexual roleplay, such as with tie & tease, whilst others live total power exchange lifestyles, where the submissive gives up all control of their health, safety, and wellbeing to the Domme.
Heightening the BDSM Scene for Experienced Fetishists
Before a power exchange scenario occurs, there’s often a great deal of communication and negotiation regarding boundaries and safewords. For those who are a little more serious, establishing a ritual beforehand can be a powerful way to condition the mind and body, and to bring a deep level of intimacy to the power transfer.
London Mistress Maîtresse Nuit weaves ritual with fetish, masochism with sadism, and domination with eroticism to create unique BDSM experiences
Maîtresse Nuit, an expert in BDSM rituals, explains: “I have received many couples who would like to mark a special event on their BDSM journey. Connection is one of our fundamental needs as human beings. It’s my belief and experience that a Female-Led Relationship, and associated BDSM practices, are one path to a greater connection between partners, binding the Dominant and the submissive. For those inclined to a formal content and atmosphere around their FLR, a Ceremony can heighten the trust required for healthy BDSM relationships”.
As everyone does power exchange a bit differently, there’s no set way to do it "correctly" so to speak. All personal relationships are fashioned by the people in them to meet their specific needs. Suzie Blue, an alternative Fetish Mistress in London, practices BDSM rituals as a crucial aspect of all Her relationships and finds that creating ceremonies unique to each relationship forges strong and intimate bonds.
She explains: “Designing your own rites and rituals to seal a dynamic with a partner is really powerful. It involves a lot of communication - which is obviously the key foundation to any relationship, hierarchical or not - and going through that kind of ceremony with someone really solidifies the agreement of how power functions in your relationship”.
Femdom Strapon & Pegging
From the ritual to the salacious. Strap-on sex, or ‘Pegging’, is a fetish whereby a Femdom uses a strap-on dildo attached to her hips to perform anal penetration of a submissive male. Its use can either be driven by the sexual preferences of a man, a couple performing role reversal during a Femdom encounter, or women who are deep into the FLR lifestyle and are looking to modify the behaviour of their submissive.
In fact, pegging could be the ultimate form of sexual submission. It humbles the man as he’s now the one being penetrated, and he’s the one who now experiences what it’s like to not be in control. There isn’t a more visceral act that represents the reversal of roles – a complete shift to what he’s used to.
Pegging can also be very effective in facilitating role reversal from the woman’s perspective too. Knowing she can take him at any time to bring out the extra submissive behaviour in her man, Her sexual power and dominant tendencies will grow with every peg.
Swapping Sexual Powers
Suzie Blue is an advocate of pegging in an FLR, having included in as a part of most of Her personal relationships as a Lifestyle Domme, and professional relationships as a London Mistress.
“I have brought a strap-on into every sexual relationship I've had for many years,” she says. “In fact, as I became increasingly kinky and leaned further into my dominant desires, I started to feel the power I would weald with it as well. In one long-term relationship with a man, I was the only one allowed to use my cock in a penetrating capacity. There was a lot of power play and denial in that dynamic, but it was also a very intimate exploration of how he engaged with sex as he discovered the p-spot orgasm”.
Alexandra Wildfire, an experienced London Dominatrix confirms this view of pegging as a way for partners to explore intimacy from a different perspective.
London Dominatrix Alexandra Wildfire is well-practiced in flipping the traditional gender dynamic on its head
“Pegging is all about harnessing sexual power, power exchange, and control of the man's arousal. The hetero man, who has always taken the responsibility for a sexual ‘performance’, can never totally relax when he’s orchestrating both the seduction and the penetration. To hand over that control to a woman is a liberating experience. For the woman, the power rush of the one being in control for once can be exhilarating. So using a strap-on in an FLR is about pleasure for both partners, not submission and humiliation”.
Make Sure it Works for Both of You
But there is a risk that pegging just plays into the man’s own sexual fantasy. She continues “For many men pegging is a fetish, a sexual preference of his and not the woman. If your submissive man instigates the conversation, your job as the dominant is to use it in a way that also works for you. This may mean explaining to him that it will be done your way”.
Facesitting
A quintessential Femdom technique, Facesitting (also called smothering or queening) is the erotic practice where a Dominant female sits on a slave’s face. Most people wouldn't think that facesitting is one of the first femdom fetishes a man experiments with, but it makes complete sense. Let me explain.
BDSM Light
Not everyone loves painful BDSM stuff so facesitting, with its mild breath play and erotic overtones – not to mention placing one of the most appealing aspects of the female body to a man squarely next to his main senses, makes facesitting and ass worship entrance kinks for Female Supremacy play.
Now, facesitting is an area I know well. During a facesitting session, My slave usually has to withstand My weight whilst receiving verbal abuse of all types from Me. Sometimes I’ll use a smotherbox or a queening stool (special items of facesitting furniture). For the kinky Female-Led Relationship, this activity should not be overlooked because it can really strengthen the bond between the Dominant and the submissive.
Developing a Stronger Sexual Bond
Facesitting, like pegging, has benefits for both partners except it doesn’t require the extreme role reversal of pegging yet still compliments the dominant and submissive roles perfectly. Whilst seeing a submissive male on all fours and ready to receive is a sight to behold, the softer symbolism of facesitting acts on a whole different psychological level.
For the submissive man, being under his Domme and looking up as she lowers herself onto his face promotes some of the strongest sexual feelings he can have. Your scent will intoxicate him, making him more addicted than ever before. And the more addicted he is, the more you can exert your control over him. What’s not to like?
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Cock & Ball Torture, Ballbusting, and Genitorture
This kink is a staple of professional Femdom sessions and for me one of the most popular requests from clients. Cock & Ball Torture, often referred to as CBT (not to be confused with rather more mainstream psychological technique of cognitive behavioral therapy) has many different levels of play, where a range of methods and techniques can be used to deliver a shock to male genitals.
Now, disclaimer: It may be called “torture” but this doesn’t mean it’s actually painful. Those into the sadomasochistic aspects of BDSM know intuitively that pain can be felt in a different way, and for men who enjoy CBT, it’s actually arousing. This sexual arousal comes from the brain misinterpreting the unique pain caused by the shock as pleasure. For other men, the arousal is more psychological and fetishistic in nature. And like many concepts, it’s given a scary name to make it sound more dramatic; the same reason why in BDSM, play spaces are often called dungeons.
Incorporating CBT Into Your FLR
Mistress Courtney has been busting the balls of Her clients for over a decade. “A male slave's cock and balls are his most sensitive area, so for those who wish to engage in a pain-centered session with their male partner in an FLR, CBT is very effective”. She adds “Be careful though. A soft cock can take an incredible amount of abuse but an erect cock is very delicate, so tread carefully. Men also have very different levels of pain tolerance, and preferences for the type of pain, so it’s best to discuss things before proceeding”.
“Start with gentle techniques until you gain the confidence to go harder”, Mistress Courtney continues. “Light slapping with bare hands and paddles helps to find out what the limits are – and act as a starting point to pushing those boundaries. It may not seem like much, but it can really hurt. Level up to clothes pegs on his cock or tie them tightly and tap them with a pencil”. She adds, “be sure to have a safe word, and respect when your partner is in serious pain”.
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You can level up further with electro-cock torture and piercing. But before you try these more advanced techniques, it may be wise to visit a Pro Domme in your area. A good Dominatrix will be able to demonstrate how to perform these safely. For those in London, go to our listings page here and here.
Broaching the Subject
But let’s not pretend that every woman in an FLR is going to really understand why a man wants this done to them. Headmistress Shahrazad has worked with many couples in FLR relationships. She describes a situation where a couple sought Her advice to help the wife come to a greater understanding of Her husband’s ballbusting kink.
Headmistress Shahrazad is an award-winning Dominatrix with over 17 years of experience within the psychological realm of power exchange
CBT is clearly enjoyed for sadomasochistic purposes but for many fetishists, the appeal goes way deeper than the physical enjoyment of the act itself; there’s a psychological symbolism in surrendering one’s genitals.
Headmistress Shahrazad continued to explain to the wife: “When your husband offers his balls to you it is a symbolic act. The penis, scrotum, and testicles are the physical representation of [his] masculinity and identity. Giving you control of them in this way is the deepest sign of his commitment to pleasing you”. She adds “Psychologically, it puts him in the truest, most authentic place of submission to you.”
“Don’t settle for just catering for his desire to swan around in a pretty pink dress. Figure out what can be in it for you, and take charge. After all, you’re leading the relationship”
Sensual Domination & Gentle Femdom
Female Domination is often associated with some pretty extreme stuff. Whips, chains and punishment are usually the first things to come to mind. But domination needn’t be severe at all. In fact, it can be enjoyed without going hardcore, inflicting pain or being cruel. Welcome to Sensual Domination.
What is Sensual Domination?
Sensual Domination focuses on sensation, pleasure, and reward over pain & punishment. It may involve no pain/punishment at all. Plenty of people enjoy sensual domination either as their preferred flavour of kink, as an introduction to the female-led lifestyle, or simply to break up more intense BDSM sessions.
For those in vanilla relationships, it’s often experienced as the cliched handcuffs with blindfolds, light bondage gear, ice cubes, feathers and fur, massage candles, lingerie, and costumes. Roleplay also has some element of power exchange, even if only lightly. Think of a stereotypical scene: student & teacher, nurse & patient. Who gets the power in a vanilla relationship roleplay scene is up to the couple but in an FLR, it’s going to be the dominant woman.
Dommes Use Nature’s Gift
Biologically, some Dommes state that female beauty, especially sexual, is programmed to cause male arousal for the evolutionary purpose of reproduction (in the animal world as well). Therefore it is the universal law of nature that men are physically and mentally drawn to sexy women, wanting to attract them by pleasing them, offering what they want. Male desire is to fulfill female desire; this is a basic instinct. Bossy confident women can take full advantage of their beauty for the female-led relationship even beyond the feminist pursuit of gender equality, reversing the power hierarchy in the name of female supremacy. Having a vagina means not lack, but rather power to harden, control, and exploit a penis, thereby possessing its owner’s mind and wallet.
A Show-Stopping Femdom Performance
Lady Lola is a Professional London Mistress who offers fantasy realisation for discerning kinksters
Lady Lola is an expert practitioner in sensual domination, one of the top London Dommes providing this BDSM experience. She explains how performance is a key aspect of sensually dominating a submissive man. “The theatrics are almost as important as the act because psychology plays more of a role”.
“For those just starting, role-play has a mild form of power exchange that allows couples to experiment, taking the identity of another as a way to act out a fantasy or express a desire. But for those who are well established in their D/s relationship, there’s not necessarily any need to assume another identity to play out a fantasy, as the power dynamic is real, and the role play is merely there to provide an interesting backdrop for your intimate time.”
For some people, it’s also a good way to experiment with Femdom if they’re curious but not sure how interested they are. After dipping your toe into the pool of gentle femdom, you might want to explore other types of domination. However, it’s perfectly okay if you never go beyond this.
Through Gentle Femdom, you and your partner can explore your sexualities, deepen your connection, improve communication, and develop new skills. Both dominant and submissive can gain confidence and a greater understanding of themselves. You can also use role-play as a way to try different kink identities or types of play in your power exchange.
People who like trampling get enjoyment from mixing their foot fetishes with humiliation
Foot Fetishes
When it comes to sexual attraction we all have specific things that turn us on. Freud believed that the foot was symbolic of the genitals (a very typical Freudian observation) whilst V S Ramachandran (of phantom limb fame) linked the two due to the proximity of the foot and genital area in the brain.
But for practicing Femdoms and their devoted submissives, there is nothing more symbolic of subservience than the kissing or licking of the feet of the Dominant partner. Foot fetishes are the most well-known of kinks and for many men, are capable of making them aroused by just exposing them. But when it comes to Femdom, the female foot represents something deeper.
On the Gentler Side
Foot worship can be a fairly relaxed kink, and probably the most popular in mainstream culture. Its softest version, a foot massage, is certainly practiced by the majority of couples up and down the country on a regular basis. Many people wouldn’t consider a foot massage as a foot fetish yet it’s often the starting block into this world. I, for one, always enjoy a foot massage as a warmup to more serious play – sensual or otherwise.
Chris, a 29-year-old submissive client of mine from London explains his foot fetish: “love of feet is about worshipping a woman. I am always aroused by feet, but it also feels like I am serving my Goddess by paying special attention to Her, through Her feet”. This kind of appreciation for a beautiful pair of feet is a key aspect of devotion in a Female-Led Relationship.
When Gentle is Not Enough
What most foot fetishists notice after a while, is how touching and looking at female feet is simply not enough, and begin to realise there’s something more. Now they’re on the slippery slope to the next level of foot fetishism: Footdom. Foot Domination is the kinkier sibling of foot fetish, and there are many subcategories. Bare feet worship, dirty feet licking, sweaty feet domination, or simply a forced foot licking. and on the more extreme side, you have foot-gagging, stinky foot worship, and trampling.
Madame Li Ying provides a specialist Foot Worship & Domination service in London
Madame Li Ying, a London Mistress with plenty of experience in Feet Fetish and Foot Domination, explains its power when used in an FLR: “Being physically under someone's feet is as low as you can be – a beautiful metaphor for a Female-Led power dynamic. Your submissive partner does not even need to have a particular fetish, as the symbolism of being under you is a way to assert your dominance.” She adds: “but if he does, it can add a very sensual and sexual dynamic to the play”.
Find out what your partner particularly likes about feet. Is it socks, shoes, stockings, or just bare feet? Once you know what his particular foot fetish preferences are, you can use it against him.
CFNM, Sissification and Feminisation
We all know how women are objectified for male sexual pleasure. Gentlemen’s magazines, strip clubs, porn. It’s one of the defining themes of the male sexual hierarchy. CFNM (Clothed Female Naked Male), Sissification, and Feminisation, when combined, provide a complete reversal of this objectification, with the man being the sexual plaything of the woman. But this reversal is not a mirror reflection and is certainly not skin-deep as it is with male desire. It is a perspective that is unique to women, FLR’s and Femdom.
Reprogramming Errant Submissives
Combining these three Femdom techniques provides the Femdom with a powerful way to objectify Her man on Her terms, as She has the final say on what either of them wears. This is an important point when redressing the power dynamic.
Mistress Scarlett Thorne explains: “In my experience, professional and personal, it is often the man who expresses a desire to be feminised, to cross-dress, or to be naked. For those in the FLR, it’s important to understand that this is a male-led fantasy. Don’t settle for just catering for his desire to swan around in a pretty pink dress. Figure out what can be in it for you, and take charge. After all, you’re leading the relationship”.
She points to a fascinating blog by Lady Alexa, on Her Female Led Relationship with Her husband, Alice (his female name) as an example of how a woman can turn a male desire into how CFNM can be used in a domestic FLR. Lady Alexa uses a mixture of CFNM and Feminisation as techniques to humiliate him, in order to modify his behaviour and assert Her dominance.
Doing It On Her Terms
The first modification was in turning his personal preference and desire for wearing women’s clothes into something that also worked for Her. She explains: “[at first] I was not that excited about the idea of my husband wearing women’s clothes... if this was going to happen, he would also experience the difficulty that we endure in the name of being feminine”.
Men who chose to crossdress or be feminised in order to fulfill a kink can be guilty of something that amounts to ‘gender appropriation’. Much like its cousin cultural appropriation, a man will never experience the life, shame, stereotype, lack of education or challenges of trying to be feminine in daily life.
Lady Alexa continues: “I explained to him that I would agree to him being feminised but the catch was that he does it my way. That means he does it the whole way or not at all. He becomes feminised. No halfway house; no prancing around in a pretty little skirt for a few hours at home for his own personal enjoyment. There would have to be something in it for me. That something would be my amusement at his discomfort, full control over his dressing”.
Once male partner liked to be treated as a woman entirely when in the bedroom. We would often dress him up, and play as if I was an older, more experienced woman seducing and 'corrupting' him into my universe, which included 'training' him how to please me. Suzie Blue
Control of his clothing is not just about what he wears and when, but also over when he’s clothed or not clothed. Lady Alex explains how during one encounter with another Femdom couple, how this control modified his behaviour through humiliation: “We removed Alice’s knickers when she was being a bit argumentative. Once she had been exposed, one of the Mistresses made Alice stand in front of her while she told Alice how pathetic her little clitty was. At that moment I saw a new Alice, a more humble one. Her head was down, she wanted to put her hands over her little thing, which we didn’t allow. When I made her parade up and down in front of us, she was mortified. It cured her of any backchat”.
Some Final Words
BDSM in general and Femdom, in particular, challenge the traditional gender hierarchy and compulsory heterosexuality of mainstream culture as the woman takes a far more active role in their sexual encounters. Within an FLR these activities allow women to reach fulfillment on their terms without feeling overwhelmed, overpowered, or abused.
An FLR is like any other relationship. The people in it have affection for each other, have bills to pay, and family and friends to consider, it’s just FLR is a layer over the top of it, and Femdom is the spice that drives it.
To get the most out of Femdom in your Female-Led Relationship, be honest about what you both want and need. Communication is crucial. But for men there’s an additional piece of information: the Mistress/dominatrix/fetish thing is a fantasy. Femdom in a relationship will have a unique dynamic with implications for your partner. Keep that in mind.
Hopefully, this article has given you a starting point on which you can build bigger and better BDSM activities into your FLR.
Good luck and enjoy.
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Written by:
Miss Jessica Wood
Founder of London Professional Mistresses and an Elite UK mistress.